So I’ve been having a rough time at work lately and as usual when I’m having a tough time, I put on some Beyoncé in an attempt to bodyroll the blues away. My coworker and I had a discussion about Beyoncé’s music and it’s powers. I argued that if we could get the receptionist to play “Get Me Bodied” over the building’s intercom system, it would boost the morale of the entire building. She disagreed. Clearly, she has never experienced the healing powers of Beyoncé.

That’s when the ridiculous powers of my brain kicked in and I wondered how many people hadn’t felt a deep spiritual connection with the Almighty Beysus. Clearly we needed to start the first ever Church of Beyoncé. In the next half hour of discussion, my coworker and I managed to come up with the following things about the soon-to-be-founded Church of Beyoncé.

  • All pastor’s robes would be from the House of Deréon.
  • Weaves and wigs would be of only the finest human hair. No synthetic fibers.
  • The pastor would wear a bejeweled robotic glove while giving out blessings, just like Beysus wore in the Single Ladies video.
  • Sunday school children would be told parables of all of Beysus’ works and color pictures of important scenes from her music videos.
  • Outreach ministries would help underprivileged youth attend summer dance camps to learn to dance like the one true Beysus.
  • All hymns sung would be various Beysus singles, adapted to fit being sung by a full choir.
  • All are welcome to join the choir, regardless of singing capability. As Beysus isn’t the greatest singer, so the Church of Beyoncé welcomes all.
  • Stained glass windows in the Church of Beyoncé would have all former members of Destiny’s Child: Kelly Rowland, Michelle Williams and also include LeToya Luckett, LaTavia Roberson, and Farrah Franklin as well as Beysus’ sister, Solange.
  • Just as Christian churches have speaking in tongues when their disciples are filled with the Holy Spirit, the Church of Beyoncé would have bodyrolling when the Children of Destiny are filled with the Spirit of Beysus. There would be altar callings for people to come to the altar and bodyroll.

Because if you have never experienced the true power of a full-body bodyroll, you haven’t lived.