Picture it, my 31st birthday 6 months ago. It is now about 10pm and I have been drinking like a frat boy with money to burn since 5pm. 2 glasses of Nuvo, a bucket of 60 oz of alcohol, a mini bottle of wine, a shot called a Wet Pussy, which incidentally is probably one of the few times my mouth will be anywhere near one, and various vodka drinks later I was ready for my performance.
My plan was to sing my own personal anthem “Teenage Dream” but since it wasn’t on the karaoke machine I went with my backup song, Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl”. I already knew I could kill this song without even trying as I’d done it before, also drunk as hell. The only difference would be that this time I’d be wearing pants.
Up until I came onstage every single karaoke performer before me stuck to the back of the stage and sang their song while gently swaying side to side. Every. Single. One. Then I come up, yell at the crowd “It’s my birthday and I’ve been drunk since 6!” and proceed to perform and murder this song so hard you’d think I was running my own bootleg performance of the California Dreams Tour.
Seriously, I killed. Take a look.
I guess this could’ve been a sign that this year would contain as little sense as possible.